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Friday, November 10, 2006

9:45PM - friday fuckers

DAILY INventOry

Am i clean today? yes
How have i acted differently? i was humble and reserved at work
did my disease run my life today? NO
What did I do today that i wish i had not done? nothing
What have i left undone that i wish i had done? fax my ID to SEMCA
Was i good to myself today? yes
how? i shared honestly
was today a good day? yes
was i happy? yes
was i serene? yeah
did i talk to my sponser today? yes
did i attend a meeting today?yes
did i share my experineces, strenghts and hopes? yes
who are the people in my life i trust today? my mom, my sponser, shannon,chrissy, courntey,tab b.,christina,christein
who has trust in me today? chrissy,courtney, joy, shannon,jenny,my mom, my grandma,my work
did i read fron our literature today? yes
what steps did i consciously work? all of em
did i admit my powerlessnes today? yes
was i able to put my trust in my higher power today? yes
what did i learn about myself today?that i can interact with coworkers without feeling less than
did i make any amends today?none were needed
do i owe any? no
did i admit fault to anyone today? yes
did i worry about yesterday or tomorrow? no
can i accept myself today as i am? yes
did i feel like i was a part of humanity today? yes
did i allow myself to become obsessed by anything today? not having any cram or sugar...i had to drink twice te amount of tea b/c i don't like black coffee
what has God given me to be grateful for today? a foundation thats growing to include people of all aspects of life
have i done anything to cause harm to myself or to another today? no
am i willing to change today? yes
did i pray or meditate today? yes
how did this affect my life? i feel more humble and willing to follow my higher powers will
what spiritual princiles have i been able to practice in my life today?surrender,humility and service
was the most important thing in my life today staying clean? yes
have i given of myself today without expecting anything in return? yes
was there fear in my life today? yes about the new job ob
did i feel intense joy or pain? no
did i call or visit someone in the program today? yes
did i pray for the wellbeing of anohter today?yes
was i happy today? yes
have i been peaceful today? yes
did i consiously remeber that i have a choice today? YES

today was a really good day. i am a little disapointed that it is over already. I enjoyed my trial shift and my coworkers. i feel better now that i have a lil cah for smokes. I went to my first GLBT meeting and it was cool. i got this guys number for a ride to a meeting on Thrusdays so thats cool a well. i am finally feeling more plugged into the fellowship out here. Last nite i went to a meeting with a fellow sponsee Christina and it was cool.i seen this kid JAmes i work with there. today at work was fairly simple and i didn't feel frusterated or overwhelemed at all. i think once i've got a lot of things down it will be much more rewarding. I am just bored and lonely now. I am going to pray andmeditate and enjoy this me time and i am grateful to be alive and clean and happy today!

Current mood: mellow

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

11:56AM - frusterated

i am feeling a little immature and childllike right now.
i finally get an nterview for a job and it goes good and friday i have a trial shirft and if that goes good ( which i know it will) then i get a second interview.

but now i have to do all this shit to get into therpay for probation. i dont offically if i am woring and where i will quailfy for treatment...but i have to start this shit before decemebr 4th cuz thats my next report day. i wanted to say fuck it all and just cut.
but i talked to mymom in stead and vented and i know i can do this shit its minor set backs that usually end up fucking me over...so i have to stay positive and humble and keep on doing the next right thing.

Current mood: frustrated

Monday, November 6, 2006

10:06PM - been too long.

i haven't entered a entry online in a really long time.My life is going pretty good now. I am clean and in recovery. I have a wonderful sponser but i am still looking to get someone closer to my age or more spiritually inlne with me. I am in love. This ones the lasting kind.She is so amazing and smart. i love her to pieces. there is nothing about her i would change. thats how i know shes the one. Even hearing other people say that used to baffle me as well as make me cringe.
but today i have hopes of a family and a better life than i had ever thought possable for me.
Although some people don't think i should i am throwing the idea around of getting ssi. its for people like me that cnt hold a job. i am not incapable if getting a job or working its just i cant stand people and i get the fuck its even when i am on my meds. its a pattern i have yet to break. TOmorrow i ave an interview, i hope i get this job....i desperatly need a job. I moved into my gf's apartment in Ann Arbor. my interviews at a restruant not far from where we live. i kinda hope its for waitress b/c i think i'll make mad cash at a busy steak house with my personalitiy. i never tried to be a waitress before b/c without the right meds i am pyscho and quick to fly off the handle at petty bullshit. So i think i am ready to try it now.for the first time in ...ever since i've been dignoised as bipolar i am on medicine for the depression as well as the manic. i recently reaized i have been manic for the last couple years. i am much more calm now and not as all over the place and unpredictable on a daily basis. I had some reservations that were going to cause me to relapse again...but i stayed the night at an old friends hosue friend and finally got to the root of all my problems with staying clean. and that was my awareness was killing me. i know too much. i have been spiritualy broken and just neglecting myself any chance of getting my shit togetehr bc i know too much. well now i feel like i can and i know i will get that year clean. like shannon pointed out to me i dont have to keep it...i just gotta meet my goal and get it. but the reality is by the time i get a year clean i hope ill have comitments and relationships in the fellowship that will keep me from wanting to return to that miserable lifesytle.
i havent cut in a really long time. this is the time of year when i usually flip the fuck out and try to kill myself,run away or use. i get seasonal depression added to my already depressed mind and i just go down until i crash. i dont even feel like its going to be as big as of an issue this year. i have a wonderful gf to keep me from isolating and the fellowship as well as my higher power to keep my spirits up. AGAPE is coming up in feb. and i cant wait...its been like a really longtime since i've been. today i have hopes and dreams that i see myelf acutally getting to obtain.

i am bored with this already...so i will try to make a habit if doing some inventory so here goes...

Am i clean today? yes i am
How have i acted differently? i cleaned instead of sleeping all day. I left the room when my gfs friend that smokes pot came over.
did my disease run my life today? no
What did I do today that i wish i had not done? ate a little too much and bought cigarettes with my last 10 dollars
What have i left undone that i wish i had done? i didnt call and see if theray was approved for me
Was i good to myself today? yes
how? i took my meds and cleaned and didnt sit online all day
was today a good day? yes
was i happy? yes
was i serene? yeah
did i talk to my sponser today? no...but i myspaced her
did i attend a meeting today? no
did i share my experineces, strenghts and hopes? yes
who are the people in my life i trust today? my mom, my sponser, shannon,chrissy, courntey and more in recovery
who has trust in me today? chrissy,courtney, joy, shannon and my sponser i hope
did i read fron our literature today? yes
what steps did i consciously work? 1,2,3,9,10,11,12
did i admit my powerlessnes today? yes
was i able to put my trust in my higher power today? yes
what did i learn about myself today?that i dont worry about my appearnace as much as i used to and i amgaining accecptance of the weight im gaining
did i make any amends today? yes, courntey asked if i used too many dryer sheets b/c shes been itchy and i said i have and i said i was sorry
do i owe any? yes to my sponser for not calling
did i admit faut to anyone today? yes i already explained it
did i worry about yesterday or tomorrow? a lil about tomorrow but not so much
can i accept myself today as i am? im working on it but for the most part yes
did i feel like i was a part of humanity today? yes
did i allow myself to become obsessed by anything today? no
what has God given me to be grateful for today? the strengh to follow his will
have i done anything to cause harm to myself or to another today? no
am i willing to change today? yes
did i pray or meditate today? no
how did this affect my life? i
what spiritual princiles have i been able to practice in my life today?
was the most important thing in my life today staying clean? yes
have i given of myself today without expecting anything in return? yes
was there fear in my life today? yes,, i was afarid that i will end up takin some of courtneys pills or that i wont get this job
did i feel intense joy orpain? no
did i call or visit someone in the program today? yes
did i pray for the wellbeing of anohter today?yes
was i happy today? yes
have i been peaceful today? yes
did i consiously remeber that i have a choice today? YES

Current mood: good

Sunday, July 2, 2006

3:29PM - stuff n stuff

People will always have opinions. I am just so sick of people trying to "protect" me. I am not some fragile little thing that needs to be looked after. if i ant to date a girl who's never a gf b4 then let me. I am no fool. i went through in my mind everything that i was getting myself into. i still do what i want. life is too short to fucking be miserable and lonely and let things pass me by. you never know til u try. and theres always a lesson to be learned. and i learn the hard way. i'm far more wise and brave and strong than peolpe ever see. i dont understand why i can't just be myself.

I AM GAY.I FUCKING LIKE GIRLS AND THATS NOT GOING TO STOP.i can't be straight. i tired for long time. and im sick of everythime i hangout with my sister i feel like i should be something else. i cant turn it off. it makes my heart hurt thinking that no matter what i'm never going to be able to just be me. fucking socitey, fuckin bible, fuckin opinions and perceptions.

they havent sat up with me and chrissy all night and they dont see the connection we have. i feel like i am finally happy. and everyone thinks it isnt good enough. theres always risks and i'd rather live and learn and love and lose then never have it at all. i miss kerstin so bad. shes the only person that loved me no matter what. i know thats not ture but i miss her. she was my rock...as fucked up as it was she made me who i am today. and i dont ever want to be like her and i learned so much from her and i just miss her so bad. i miss people in my life that arent concerned with what im dfoingand not doing. i miss having fucking real friends that arent going to fucking judge me and try and cause drama and who just like me for me.


GOD...FUCK EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING CONDITIONS. IF ITS NOT UNCONDITIONAL I DONT WANT IT. I CANT HAVE IT. SO TAKE YOUR STANDARDS AND JUDGEMENTS AND OPINIONS AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO PRESS THEM UPON. FINALLY i am ok...and its never good enough. when will it ever be good enough. seriously just let me be myself. i just want to be high. i wanna smoke myself stupid so i wont be fased by all this bullshit.

i love myself...i have never been so into my own life before...i was just a passagner and didnt really particapate in anyhting but self distruction and instant gradifiaction . well hi this is me trying to grow up and if u cant let me be me then goodbye.

Current mood: depressed

Sunday, June 25, 2006

7:56PM - NOt SettlING!

I am single because i won't settle for another that just wants to control me.Now i have standards that have set my spirit free.Unconditional love is all i seek.Her shoes won't be easy to fill, cuz baby i'm hard to keep.
I know i am a lot to handle and i tend to speak my mind.This girl she must have certain things that aren't so easy to find.Sence of humor is a must.Nice ass booty, but she ain't gotta have a huge bust.She's gotta be tough, able to handle it rough.A smile that will cure any pain, with a heart full of love so intense it drives me insane.Passion for music is something we will share. Finding a lady that will accecpt my past is something rare.Humility has taught me lots of lessons. Now the hard parts finding that girl that i can talk to like i'm a therapy sesson.



YES I WROTE THIS.AND I AM GOIN TO BE TRUE TO IT TO...SO I CAN FIND THAT GIRL TO FILL THESE SHOES!

Current mood: determined

Thursday, March 2, 2006

9:52PM - put me out of my misery

why do i even bother?it seems like absolutly everything keeps getting worse and worse and i am so overwhelemed and sick of fucking pizza and i just want to get fucked up and forget everything. i work 6 days a week and i still cant even afford to live here. I love megan but this is makign it fucking impossable for me to get on my feet. its not practical and now im basically screwed and stuck here b/c if i move she has no where to go b/c she cant afford to pay rent on her own. My stupid fucking boss is a egotistical slef cenetered cheap bastard and i cant fucking stand him. he always seems to find some reason to try and point out what im doing wrong. if its using too much fucking cheese or not enough meat, i cant stand the fucking prick. everything i do is wrong and its really hard to keep smiling and just keep letting him correct me. and now megans mad at me b/c she thinks i was hitting on some other chick. its not even like that. i was complimenting the girl b/c she is really pretty. i suppose i wasnt right...but sometimes i do things b/c life would be so much easier if i could move home. i cant afford anything. i just want to die. im going to fucking jail at the end of the month. i have no phone and no way to get a hold of my stupid court appointed attory. not that hes going to keep me from going back to jail anyways. i dont even know how to get my ID b/c i still HAD my mass. Lic until i lost it on the way to or from walking to work yesterday and so now im screwed. i have no way to prove my address here and so my mails somehwat going to my moms and to Mass and i missed a fucking drop for porbation so much for going in front of the judge and saying im clean and been doing good and havent messed up since i had to finish work probation in jail. i just cna t dela with anything anymore. i dont have anyone to talk to. no way to call anyone and no one to vent to or do anything with. i give up...why the fuck should i bother. ever since i got out of jail this last time i have been trying and working and doing my all to keep myself out of jail and not smoke pot or cut myself and b/c i moved here and have no phone or car and work afternoons and so i cnat go to meetings...i just keep getting slapped in the face and knocked down and i pick myself up...and i cant get anywhere at this rate...i just want to die

Current mood: depressed

Friday, December 16, 2005

6:53AM - and so a new chapter of mah life begins....

well now that i can't stop i want to. so i went to a meeting.got the key tag...whole nine yards...even asked Shannon for help...and then asked her to be my sponser last nite. She of course did say yes indeed :)

that makes me feel so good. i miss her like only...oh my fucking gawd knows how bad. She is no longer up up high and so much more human than she ever was in my eyes before. I suppose its b/c i realized life goes on...and she is not too much different than anyone else...well kinda.but yea

i miss her friendship...and her sandlewood smell :) and her dinners and her laugh and her son and her man and being a part of thier lives. so i am glad that although i am scared shitless about facing all this stuff i have been avoiding and running from for the last year...i dont have to do it alone...and it will be with someone who already understands me and knows how my head works...we already have the trust and bond and love.

when we talked yesterday...i realized i can return love today. i never did before. i didnt get it. i didnt know what love was. now that i have been in love...and also am not so young and selfish i know how to love...

there shouldnt be conditions on love. but due to the fact that i cant have what my heart wants...there is.well thats not the correct wording...due to the fact that i am not ready and okay with myself yet is more realistic...so anyways....
not with the people i love as far as friends n stuff...but i mean in love with a girl love.

i am content in knowing i dont have to understand why i feel the way i do...i just accecpt it, learn, and i need to talk about it. i have so much i need to tlak about

no Sam in my life...no nicole the way i used to be able to go to her with stuff b/c shes here but only physcially...i just feel like our friendship changed when we did and stoped being clean. Now i got Shannon back :) so thats awesome...but i would like some more QUAILTY friends.


so me n jenny are most def. gunna grow apart now. i mean we will always be tight...but now that imma be clean and shes not...its going to change things. this hurts me. b/c shes my rock...my heart...and driving around and getting stoned with jenny and talking while listening to andrew speak to me through his lyrics...well yeah thats my fuckign fav thing in life to do. but thats kinda sad lol. so i guess i will be ok. but i am gunna miss my heart...and we will prolly go back to fighting and never talking about anything thats going on in our lives.

i am happy she got a job one day after she lost her olld one...but mad too. b/c FUCK ME...do i look and feel like a fucking ass...and now i am a douche all alone :( and it makes me look even worse to ma n kevin

so everytime i see sarah...my heart grows a little less fonder. we had yet another typical night of fun fun fun then drunken sex. too bad sarahs one of those Bi girls that says shes BI when shes fucked up and will makeout and suck on my neck but thats it...if sarah wasnt so ingrossed with her poison...see we share the same posion...its clear and tastes like wata to us now :) but prolly not to anyone else...ugh yeah i tell sarah how much i have been in love with her since 10th grade everytime we hangout now. since last time. and so this time shes like why dont we date...fuck my mom...and yours...blah blah blah....NO

that would be bad...if i EVER get that bad in my head i am worried...b/c i would have to be pretty fucked up for a long time to be able to get with a socailly distorted fucked up lost girl like that. but i do love her and of course we always wnat wht we cant have and of course i always fall for girls that are bad for me...cept Erin

shes not bad for me by any means. shes teaching me a lot. i am grateful for the times we spent together. and she is an awesome amazing beautiful woman. and i can tell that things are changing in both our lives...and theres just this huge wall we both have up...and so it will prolly never be more than what it is now...and thts ok. b/c i enjoyed what i got :) and i just hope we can still talk on the phone everyday...b/c i dont talk on the phone everyday to anyone. and its nice...and shes nice and so simple and smart and she gets me...and no one ever gets me...no girl i have ever dated or tried to date has ever got me...so yeah its sucky it makes my chest hurt and my eyes water up just thinking of life without Erin in it now that i have gotten to know her and let her gotten to know me...but b/c we are both unable to let down the walls this awkwardness is just wearing on me...and sometimes i am completely ok with how much i like her...and others i am so scared b/c i suck at liking me and so i will suck at liking her too if i am not cafe...lol thats not like a coffee shop thats like careful and safe together makes cafe :) and thats too bad that i suck at liking me...so now that im clean again i know imma like me more...and so i will just take all that i've gained from Erin,Megan and everyone else thats helped mold me and grow so when i am able to give my heart away...its for the right reasons and to someone who gets me...b/c i am done with the dumb bullshit i went trhough with megan.

so yeah lots of internal stuff and stuff gooing on in my life...but no cpmlaints b/c hey...its better than JAIL...and it can always always be worse :) peace n luv bitches i am going back to bed and so yeah <3Bear

Current mood: anxious

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

3:22PM - i will be ok

so things happen.
circumstances of my life are so not fair. i surrender. whatever...i will do you stupid fucking NA meetings. I will be clean while i am in your house. i will get a job. i will get a car soon. i will get on with my life and never have to live under your rules again eventually. i am not sorry. i am so not fucking sorry that my diease is ruining your lifes...thats ridciulous. my life is so circumstantiaol and i just have to make my circumstances different i guess. i cut again ...if they are going to force me to live a better life then i just wont let see...i dont hate me...i just hate free will. i hate the world. i hate religion. i hate politics. i hate rules. i hate NA...i hate the fellowship...i am being very much selfish, immature, and childlike about this whole thing...i know its all my fault. i know what i have to do to change it. i just dont want them to make me. but i wasnt going to change nething myself so whatever. whatever. whatever. ugh i surrender...i am not sick and tired...im not sick and tired of being sick and tired. yes my life is unmanagble ...but thats b/c i dont want to manage it right now. and so now i have to do this in order to not be homeless...i am going to miss being high and drunk so much...i am so sad. so lonely. so alone...i dont want anybody to know me ever again. shannon doesnt know me. yet hahahaha in my face yet another time...well then wtf is next? fuck her. fuck that...she doesnt even accepct me and like me anymore now that i am not straight and clean. ugh ...she doesnt know me...anyone that knows me knows i am not straight...she hasnt known me for a long time...and im not going to show any of these mother fuckers hve me either. fuck em all...and their NA lingo blah blah...errrrrr i surrdener...fine Kevin, Shannon, Mom, Grandma and everyone else waiting for me to humble myself and ask for help...well i dont belive i need help. i just give up and let them win so i wont have to sleep outside or break up my mommmys happy little home.

Monday, December 5, 2005

2:35PM - ugh

werent spossed to see this...so for now on i am writing in my journal like im the only one whos reading it ever and im not even going to think about who seen it or whatever. if u read it just read it. dont ? anything u see...dont gimmie advice unless i ask for it...and dont comment to me saying its not that bad either...just let it be in cyber space out there for whomever to read but as if i have no idea anyone ever has read it!just a lesson i am getting ok with...i needed this lesson...but i take time. so in my face with it is no good for this girl...no no no.

i wish i had a girl to come lay in my bed and pet my head hold me.cuz im sick...and i dont want to be cold, and lonely =(

why does it bother me so much

why am i so fucking insecure about stupid things that are of no matter

why have i been like haivng panic attacks so muhc lately

why am i addicted to the computer

what is it that i really want

what is it that i am willing to do for myself

when will i stop hating me as much like you speak of it so freely

i dont even know.just to not have panic attacks and really not care if other people know what i think, hRmm mm huh, yep. thats what would be grand right this second!

i am just so private. and so so delicate...and so so sensitve...i dont like other people to be able to figure me out.i dont like her knowing. i dont like that i care. i shouldnt. i am ok. i will live. thats my line. what does it even matter...it doesnt.

MEGAN JO DODGE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>i have nothing left for you at all in my life. i dont want to feel anything but maybe a little sorrow when i hear you spoken of. i am getting over you . i dont want to be friends with a plant stealing snowman hater. no more drama now either...so ewww.

we always want whats not best for us? hmm so i ben told thats why i cant just be like poof bye to my feelings of her.

i cut lastnight. it was delcious to me. sounds like i am some kinda morbid vampriss freak. but i am so not. i just like to make myself bleed. and i like to test myself. and i like to see the blood...so i dont cry anymore....so i dont ever have to cry anymore...i can just bleed...b/c bleeding is just better for me to me. =) i dont even care anymore. i will just let others think. and i wont as much. and so its a balance that will be all that much better when you fill my shoes and i am just absently exsisting. Cherrio bitches!

Current mood: sick

Monday, October 24, 2005

7:29AM - sum bitches really just dotn giva fuck

....so the reason im up right now at 7am is cuz i gotta go up to sunco b/c my friend Nicole works there n i'm starting there at 7.50 an hour part time this week 2-10 weds and midnights fri n sat...and then ill be full time after this week...and i can most likly keep my pizza job too just be p.t. there. so i have to work 4-10 at torominos fri n sat then 10pm-6am fri n sat at sunco then prolly fucking 2-10 sunday at the pizza place again like tonight plus i work there tuesday noight too so i'mm be fucked for the weekends now.what i think imma do is b4 he makes next weeks schedule i am going try n get set hours at both places. I might not get to have weekends but for now until after x*mas its so what i fuckin need. and i was just telling megan last ngiht how i wanted another job so bad b/c she has a interview today 4 another job and we were talking about needing to focus on ourseleves and getting caught up with bills instead of being so wrapped up in eachother and how its just another good reaosn why we broke up....its just funny its w.nicole and Megan HATES nicole w/a passion. but it won't be no big deal b/c if i work with nicole ill see her so much i wont even be able to hangout with her b/c our schudle swill be different and plus ill be seeing her enuff at work for her to not want to chill with me everytime i talk to her...so lol....
ugh about torominos neways i hate that fucking place already i was gunna switch stores but opps they take to long to give me more hours or switch me n they knew i was lookin for 40 hours a week so they aint gunna say or do shit i already know cuz they need me. but yea i am estatic right now.

plus my sis and her friend from owrk whos the shit wanna get a trailor at van born n merriman...we gunna be such ballers n hustlas too...we are gunna run poker out the crib n be sellin pot too! we will be so set...but i might have to take the couch (futon) i dont giva fuck ... and put like my clothes in my sisters room...it will still be ppimp shit. n plus at this rate n if we move ill be able to get caught up n my own ride by like jan...hopefully cuz my sisters girl wanted to move asap....so i am so happy n on top of the world right now...if we all lived together i would be able to smoke in my own crib...run my businesses n shit...and be working ttwo jobs...plus i might go stilletos on friday n if i see the manger i can still talk her bout geting a job there and fucking quittng the damn pizza place, plus by working there its closer to the trailor park lol(imma be white trash!) and i can meet more peopl to help keep my business a float and more cool as firends to invite n become tight with too so ill have more friends that i have more shit in common with too!

a couple few days ago i sucked at life and now that i talked w. megan n we arent miserable n up eachtoehrs ass...n i am getting paid double FINALLY my last check form Pilots coming and i get my good sized check from the pizza place friday too this week n gettin a second job n plans to move out my moms by decmeber i am pimp shit right now...so thats my huge as marvelous fucking entry for you bitches! lol sorry i just am so hyper right now! yaya shits finally starting to change for the better since i have ben home!

plus im gettingthis fuckign tooth pulled all i got to do is make the appointment b/c my dad already gave my mom the moeny for it...and to get back on my meds all i have to do is mke an appointment for today and my moms goin to charge it and lend me the money for my percriptions so i cna get that shit done today too!

Current mood: ecstatic

Thursday, October 20, 2005

9:59AM

the boats got a hole in it and for a while i was sinking with it...but then i patched the hole...so now i'm just tryin to stay a float and get all the water outta my boat.

Current mood: hopeful

Thursday, October 13, 2005

3:33PM - can't even fight me anymore

i hate myself so bad.
i can't control my feelings or emotions or "tone" of voice.
One little thing is all it takes...
then i am a total cunt to anyone and everyone that i come into contact with.
Unless they have soemthing i need or want.
then and maybe then dpending on the person i'll TRY (which is usally pretty pathetic) and be nice.
I hate myelf so bad.

i don't even know when its happening b/c it just happens.And everyone thinks its intentall and that i'm just that fukcing bogus and mean. I dont even want to be around anyone b/c its not fair to them.I love Megan but she deserves better. she shouldnt have to deal with me. It makes me feel even worse when i hear how the way i am affects her. Well after the fact it does.But when she tells me i'm taking everything out on her and giving her attuitde i dont even realize its happening. I hate tlaking about ne of it b/c i sound like its all just an excuse for me to suck at lving. Like im just trying to have everyhting be fixed for me.As nice as it would be i know it doesnt work like that. i also know that i dont care bout myself enough to go through the process of fixing anything.So i either sit around all poopy and blow stupid shit outof proprtion and treat everyone who comes into contact with me like shit. or i hold it all in at the risk of sounding physco and like i am a fucking cry baby b/c i let such stupid little things get to me...but thats why i keep it all in...b/c u all think im LETTING things bug me. theres no letting...i can try and cheep up. i can try and distract myself...i can try and pretend like nothings wrong...but i go from hyper bubbly funny me...to quite,snappy, depressed me and its not like i can lie and just say nothings wrong like i used to...b/c i can't just make it go away and try and have a good time. once i start feeling shitty over one little thing everythings fucked and i start to think bout how much i suck at life and why everythings so abd and unfixable adn why i dont even bother and then hoq shitty i am for making it that way and its all my fault and it amkes me wanna die not get up and be fake...i cant jsut turn my feelings off nemore. i hate being fake. so i would rather just be miserable by myself seeing as how the peple that claim can deal with it are already sick of me...and plus they shouldnt even have to...i love megan but sometimes i wish i could jsut put everything on hold so i can be on my meds and date her when i am a lil sainer and better. but i love her so much and i already know she wont want to even do that. plus my insecure side makes me feel like shes just gunna move on and be single for like a week til something better comes along. so my step dad just kicked me off so once again fuck me...i g2g.

Current mood: depressed

2:03PM - with the sick,the sad &the stoned

im not stoned wish i was...but im sick and sad and im really really poopy its a rough life...i hate myself right now...i keep fucking everythin up at usually.

Current mood: crappy

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

8:37AM - "Making Memories" with my baby

Keith Urban - Making Memories Of Us Lyrics

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us

Current mood: mellow

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

3:03PM - everythings so bad.in a good bad way like sweet bad ya know?!

i am pretty happy right now...been having crazy crazy times...my lifes a fucking mess b/c of my madness...i dont understand how neone still talks to me...

me n jennnnay smoked...i am pretty stoned...been a week...it was AMAZING.

megan is pretty bummed at me right now...i told my mom that joy wanted to get a dog...and joy isnt allowed to have dogs at her condo...DUH! whys she gunna get her hopes up for no reason to get attached until the thing barks and they hvae to get rid of it. plus its not fair to a dog. when it can never be outside at its home. and joy doesnt even pay her bills hows she gunna afford to support an animal that needs shots and vet and everthing. granted megan will beable to do these thiings when shes back on her feet, but right now its just not pracital...

my mom said we should sit down after me n megan know how much we make and shit and let her help us budget and save for an apartment or to rent a house so we can get our won puppy...it was so cute...awww i love how understanding my parents are. they dont judge or degrade me at all. they actually have told me they admire me...and i was like huh? when i got home and my mom seen my hair she was like i wish i had ur balls. i admire that you dont care what socitey thinks u should look like and u are so strong and free willed and i was like sweet thanks mom...and my dads like sure i wish u were straight but its not up to me. and the fact that your true to yourself and happy is what really matters. so i am really grateful that they understand so bad.

u have to pronouce all the n's

ummm so yea...i am so pisseyed that Sam is an assfucker. not intenially im sure just misscommutioncaton....fuck i cant spell for shit.fuck shit ass bitch .*quick head nod*
lmao...
i am a asswhole.i am going to see my doctor to get on my thyriod meds,and prozac and mood stablizer. and i hate this life.

awww this songs so sweet...."i wanna sleep with you forever and die in your arms....i'm gunna love you like nobody loves you..." yea i need to go look up the lyrics cuz im too stoned to type em as fast as he's singing em on the radio.but that one parts really cute b/c i always tell megan i wanna die with my face in her boobs...hehe, sorry i love em! and i love her! and i miss her...i she cut her hair today...but shes amazing so i bet it'll look awesome.

cough cough...im still fighting a cold.PLAH
fuck yea we can live like this.

ttyl love u 2 bye

Current mood: high

Monday, October 10, 2005

1:21AM - yea

so this one time...like yesterday...i was really really sick...but i was like really wanting to get fucked up. So i hunged out w/Nicole and b/c i was sick and had no usage of my tastebuds we got fum SoCo ....and were gunna go to OckotberFest in Redford...but we didnt end up going. so i started drink at like 11:30 and i was so trashed i dont even rmeebr most of the day. But it wasnt fun thats for sure.

*1st i cut...not cool...and i that was the first lie of many to Megan
*2nd i kept calling Megan and being a physco assfuck and trying to be all cool in front of Nicole
*3rd i passed out at like 4ish i think after i barfed...no fun
*4th i was really really fucking bogus really
*5th then me n Nicole came here and started shit then left after i was already trashed n Nicole was drivng a lil tipsy
*6th i got stoned right b4 Megan came and got me which didnt help the sistuaion any
*7th i totally fucked w/Joy n let Nicole too
*8th i called my mom, and Shannon mine n Nicoles old NA sponser Terri and Trish (ex's) and was really really stupid n mean...well i wasnt mean to my mom just drunk and retarded
*9th i almost lost my baby becasue of it all

so i am getting back on meds on tuesday.i am seeing Sam tomorrow YAY...i miss her so bad.got so sos so mucho amounts of stuff to tell her

umm i want to start going to AA...i have issues...im my mothers daughter...a very very not fun drunk

i don't love the cock...sorry Nicole n Matt

i don't even wanna be around Nicole b/c we are no good for eachother. its just not cool.not cool at all.

i got a new job...its lame and easy n boring...but its better than nothing.

i am in a crazy amazing relationship Crazy that im still in it after how crazy shes seen me...and amazing b/c we finally are together and it makes me feel so glad!

umm i am really jealous though...and espically when im fucked up...not a good mixture.
btw i hate myself...i really really do.
and i am tired so good night!

Current mood: disappointed

Monday, September 26, 2005

6:19AM - physco

omfg...i am so crazy without my meds...but for the first time ever i taked through a "freak out" and didnt do anything to hurt myself or neone else...i can't even believe megan still is layin in my bed after alla this...whoa. thats amazing. she unconditionally loves me as her friend and didnt judge me and sat up with me until just now so i could get through it. i have never actually felt 100% better after "talking" or "distracting" myself when this happens b4. i usually still feel shitty. but she stayed up with me and i kept talking and talking and crying my eyes out and telling her how its not fair...why me?! why do i have to have mental health shit wrong w/me...i was like u left a physco and got another one. lol sorry low blow but it is true...but shes like umm no.with me its totally different b/c i sat there and opened up and dealt with it and got to the root of where the freakout started from...i am so proud of myself. but i feel so imbarresed and ashamed and humilated for her seeing me like that. but i am spossed to have a job interview well Nicoles boss told me to come talk to him in the AM today...and i havent even slept yet and we were at a party lastnight and only got like a few hours of sleep...but my minds racing and i'm so insecure bout pouring my guts out that i can't even stop my brain long enuff to sleep. and she got my posion ivy.i feel so horrable...i wanna die. but i dont...but i need to go to sleep even if i miss this interview...well i will finsih updating ummm...whenever i feel like it again...which hasnt been much lately...sharon

Current mood: frustrated

Monday, September 12, 2005

9:20PM

so i got posion ivy on my snatch and ass b/c i went piss in the woods.worst experiecne ever lemme tell ya.

but me n heather are doing better. we broke up and i cut and things werent going to well.i miss ya'll too and i will be home soon enough.

i have a mowhawk.

and i still hate it here.i hate Mike...(sarah, heathers sisters boyfriend) is a total ass. Not only did i put my name on the line and get him a job but then he goes in late 2 times already and also had the nerve to leave early once b/c he was too tired. wtf. i am done sicking my neck out for neone. not only that but none of the other people that do maintence expect much of him. they already bitch about him and im just like great...no wonder the fucker didnt have a job....b/c hes a lazy baby.i also hate living with heathers stinky parents in their tiny lil apartment. and having to deal with cranky ass bitch boy Mike now that he works right by the house hes here all the time. and he treats everyone like shit incluiding heather,sarah, and their mom....he tried to yell at me twice now and both times i got all up in his shit and i was like i aint sarah u cant talk to me like that fucker. and so now he said dont ask me for anything again and i was like no problem.id rateher pay to do my laundry or walk home from work than get his help. stupid prick.

me n heather talked and i got honest so now we have an "open-relationship" so basically i can bone who ever i want as and me n heather are still together.its pretty sweet...

buit i cant do shit until my posion ivys all gone and it fuckin sucks ass...well i am tired and gunna go...i dunno when i am moving home or coming home for a few months or whatever but it should be in like a month hopefully....well im outtie.sharebear

Current mood: sleepy

Thursday, September 8, 2005

11:11PM

omg...i am so going crazy...not only has there been a lot of shit going on between me n heather...but i am really home sick and hate it here. ugh im so irrated.

Current mood: annoyed

Friday, August 5, 2005

12:09AM - ill be home soon enuff hehe

oh yea coming back to michigan dec 19th-28th to visit yay! love ya and miss ya'll.

Current mood: satisfied

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